


chasing you

by starryflower



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: More characters to be added, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, the doctor's past is a mystery for them huh, well not for long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:29:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24722338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryflower/pseuds/starryflower
Summary: She shouldn’t have had let her go.The fam.They used to laugh at that name as she set it up along with the group chat. They used to tease her for it, for her horrible use of emojis, for her spamming them with photos and outdated memes. And one day she stopped as well.They never got their answers, did they?
Kudos: 18





	chasing you

„I suppose I should say something.”

There was sunlight shining down on them, painting everything with gold and yellow, the warm rays touching her skin softly, almost making it glow. Usually, she would appreciate the scenery, watching the colours shift and mix until there was nothing but hues of dark blues and shining stars that she once had the privilege to see. Even now she sometimes felt as if she could taste the stardust, she could almost feel the adrenaline coursing through her veins, but instead of excitement she now felt bitterness, coldness. 

Instead of an inviting smile, she saw tears. And the stars had never felt so far and yet they were at her fingertips. She got to touch them, she got to see their wonder and beauty from up close, barely believing it. Each day the memories were more and more distant, just like the stars. Some days she woke up and did not believe that those times were real. Some days it all felt like a dream, details were getting muddled and foggy. Were those eyes full of wonder brown or green? 

Yaz looked up, dark eyes were glossy as if they were covered with glass. She blinked away the tears and gave her two friends a shaky smile, her bottom lip trembling and betraying her brave façade, but her friends did not care. After all, they were all hurting. 

She did not even know anymore if she would call it hurt. It all felt numb, empty, distant… just like the stars. Long gone were the days when she cried silently during cold and lonely nights, long gone were her tears. For a while, she had wondered if she had spent them all on a fairy-tale. Because the longer _she_ was gone, the more _she_ felt like something too good to be true. 

And maybe she was, Yaz thought to herself, maybe she was made-up. Maybe they all just hit their heads or maybe she was in a coma because there was no way someone like her could be real… and there was no way someone like her could be gone. 

“Yaz?” 

Once again, she had to look up, eyes meeting Graham’s. His eyes were full of pain and care for his two grandchildren because even if Yaz was not really his granddaughter, he did adopt her as one on that first adventure. And again, there was the hurt, the emptiness in her heart. Because everything they did had something to do with _her_. 

Blue was no longer just a colour and each blue door she saw from afar was one more heartbreak because of course, she was not back. Each time she saw short blond hair she was so close to calling out, so close to calling her name and never letting her go. 

She shouldn’t have had let her go. 

“Yaz? You okay mate?” 

Ryan. Oh, poor Ryan, he has lost so much in his life and now he lost another person. Not only that, but they were also slowly losing themselves. No longer were they texting every day, no longer did they get together at least twice every week. Yes, the pandemic did a lot to break them apart, but day after day the messages got less frequent and one day, they stopped coming. 

The fam. 

They used to laugh at that name as she set it up along with the group chat. They used to tease her for it, for her horrible use of emojis, for her spamming them with photos and outdated memes. And one day she stopped as well. 

They never got their answers, did they? 

“Right,” Yaz let out a shaky sigh, closing her eyes tightly, glad she decided to not do her makeup. 

Ryan gave her a weak smile and Graham patted her arm, ready to pull her into a hug if she needed one. The fam. A group of unlikely people and one wonderful alien that also happened to be their great friend. The fam that became a group of unlikely people and a terrible tour guide. The same fam that became a group of unlikely people and one massive heartache. 

“She was kind,” Yaz started, her voice quiet and raspy, each breath she took was filled with tears, each breath she took made her shake and shiver more. “She was brilliant and confident, and she never gave up, she never gave up on us, she never gave up and always tried to do the right thing. She was brave and she was unapologetically herself. She was the best person I’ve ever met.” 

Was she though? Yaz gave her friends a weak smile and nodded to Ryan to put down the bouquet they bought. They had no idea which ones she liked the most, so they bought one of each. The florist did give them a weird look but said nothing after a generous tip. 

They were stood up at the hill where it all happened. Graham could almost see a younger version of Ryan riding his bike with Grace cheering him on, his heart viciously hurting for a moment at the memory. Grace with her wonderful smile and kind eyes. Grace that left him too soon, the woman that started it all. She would have enjoyed every bit of their travels. 

“If your nan was here, I’m sure _she_ would be too,” Graham said softly, earning a sad look from Ryan. 

“She came up here with me, you know? Watched me try again. I tried so hard for nan, I was so sure she would be so proud of me, looking down at us… maybe I should give it another try, for them both. I’m sure I’ll be a lot better too,” Ryan noted, his gaze distant, memories flashing before his eyes. 

Yaz smiled at them, quiet not to disturb this moment. She could almost see it, see every time she tried to push them. See how she never gave up with them, how she was always next to them, whatever happened. Why didn’t they do the same for her? 

“We did try with her, you know that, right?” Graham said to Yaz as if he could tell what she was thinking. 

Yaz nodded silently, looking down at the mismatched bouquet. It was kind of like them, each flower different and yet it somehow worked. But they did not work, did they? Because if they did, they would all be there. The sunset would be illuminating her features softly, making her hair golden like wheat fields. She would smile at them and tell them to come along and they would, Yaz would. She would run after _her_ , almost having her at her fingertips. Sometimes Yaz would be fortunate enough to feel the fabric of her coat, but she would always slip away. 

Because the more they tried to reach her, the more they tried to catch up, the faster she started running. For each brick they destroyed she put up a new wall. For each answer, she would share there would be more questions. She was a walking enigma that Yaz was desperate to solve. And she disappeared like breath on a mirror, making Yaz question her realness. 

“Sometimes I feel like I made her up,” Yaz admits quietly, sitting down at the edge, looking down at the city she used to call home. It was all she once knew and now she was not even sure she knew what was real anymore. 

“I feel you,” Ryan said as he sat down next to her, leaving space for Graham next to him. “If I didn’t know better, I would totally think that I just hit my head or something.” 

Yaz nodded, taking in the autumnal colours around them. “She would love this view.” 

Graham gave her a weak smile, taking in the scenery as well. “The people from up here look like ants,” he joked, earning a snort from Ryan. 

Yaz rolled her eyes but could not help herself but chuckle. Some things did not change with all that time and all the stuff that has happened. She was happy about it though, too much change would be a bad thing right now and she was yearning for some familiarity in her life. This was familiar. Their antics and looking down at people, saying they look like ants. But the last time they did that was with her and they were inside a sentient spaceship. 

Maybe things did change. Maybe it was not so familiar after all. When she looked at them, she could see changes. Graham looked more comfortable with staying on earth and no longer did he have to carry sandwiches around in case of an emergency. Ryan let his hair grow as well as his stubble. They were small changes, but changes, nonetheless. 

They were sitting there silently, simply enjoying each other’s presence. It has been a long time since they saw each other and Yaz was pretty sure that this was the last time they would see each other ever again if she wasn’t counting awkward meetings in the shops and empty promises about meeting up again someday. 

They did not say anything as they parted, sunset slowly turning into night. A chilling breeze was making the hairs on her arms stand up and Yaz was quietly cursing herself for deciding to not bring a jacket. At least she looked the part, even though it was not a real funeral and Yaz was clinging onto every last bit of hope that _she_ was still alive. Was it unlikely? Yes. Did she care? 

When she looked back at them as they went the opposite way, they were also both in black. Ryan was sporting black jeans and a black shirt and Graham also had black jeans and a black sweater. At least they had the black part down, the formal department was a bit lacking. But she wasn’t going to blame them for not really dressing up as she did with her black blouse and trousers that she borrowed from Sonya without her knowledge, which she considered payback for Sonya ruining her favourite hoodie. 

At least this did not change. But it also did. Questions about her not showing up anymore that got shut down with the quarantine. Her having secrets with her family and no way to run away for a bit when she needed to. No more travelling to figure it out, to forget it all. She was stuck on earth with no way out and she had to deal with it like everyone else. 

“I just miss it, you know?” 

That was one of the many messages Yaz sent her. It was their little secret that the boys had no idea about, them messaging just one on one. Yaz would message her about almost anything and they would exchange memes and ways to annoy Ryan or Graham, or both. Sometimes they would send each other voice messages, even though Yaz preferred writing them. After they came back without _her_ , Yaz would play the messages just to hear her voice. Just to make sure she was real, that she did exist. She listened to them to remind herself, to punish herself. Over time she listened less frequently, but sometimes when it got bad, she would replay the sound of her voice, not even listening to the words. 

And sometimes when it got bad, she would write to her. Sometimes she would send a voice message because Yaz knew those were her favourite, sometimes she would send a meme that reminded Yaz of her. Of course, Yaz knew she would not see it, but it did help for a bit. 

And sometimes it made her feel even worse. 

“Hey, this is me, again,” Yaz chuckled as she held the recording button, her voice thick with pain, “I’ve seen the boys today. I know, it’s been a while, but we got together again… it was because of you, actually. We had a small ceremony if you could call it that. We said some really nice stuff about you, if you saw it your ego would get so big you wouldn’t fit into the Tardis anymore,” her laugh was dry and forced, but she didn’t care. She needed to get this off her chest. 

“We got you a nice bouquet, but you never told us which flowers were your favourite, so we just got one of each. I think you would’ve loved it, it was as colourful and weird as most of your questionable outfit choices, but that was a part of your charm, wasn’t it? But I’m distracting myself, you always did that, didn’t you? Rambling on and on about incoherent stuff, never quite reaching the point… or did you start doing that later on? 

“I don’t really remember anymore, and I hate myself for it. You’d think to experience wonders would leave a mark on me, but each day I remember less and less. But you didn’t give me much to remember, did you? You never let us get close to you. Two years we’ve been travelling with you and we don’t even know which flowers are your favourite… says a lot, doesn’t it? 

“It’s just, you knew so much about us and we just blindly followed you and you always somehow managed to silence our questions. And you did it so fucking well, like everything you laid your finger on. You did it so fucking well that now you’re gone, and we have no fucking idea what to do and we can’t even have a bloody funeral for you. 

“We can’t even buy you fucking flowers because you never told us bloody anything. So, I hope you’re happy with yourself, wherever you are. Each day I hope that maybe you’re okay and you just decided to ditch us. We wouldn’t be surprised, I wouldn’t be. We asked you too many questions, you shut us out, we got worried but tired of dealing with your shit moods. You get bored with us, you leave. 

“There were others before us, weren’t there? You said so yourself when the lone cyberman came. That you won’t lose anyone else to that.” 

Yaz paused for a moment, her cheeks stained with tears that were glistening with silver tones in the moonlight. The cold breeze was making bits of her hair fly and stick to the tears, but she didn’t care. the streets of the city she once called home were empty and she was walking through them, alone, taking in the peace and quiet. Occasionally she saw a light turned on here and these, but the city was mostly asleep. 

With a shaky breath, she raised the phone to her mouth and pressed the button once more when she saw that her first message was sent. Sent and never to be read, never to be heard by anyone else but herself. 

“I know you’ve lost people and I know that you were scared. I get that. What I don’t get is you pushing us away, pushing me away. I understand it, but I also don’t. we tried so hard with you, we really did. And now you’re gone, but you’ve been gone for months before that. 

“We didn’t want to accept it, but you left us a long time ago and we were on our own. But why? Why didn’t you just let us in? Why didn’t you let me in? 

“Remember when I told you that you were the best person I’ve ever met? Because I do. But I barely remember anything about you. Anything that mattered. Shit, what would I give for knowing the stuff that didn’t matter, like your favourite colour, anything really. But I don’t know anything, do I? And I can’t even say goodbye because I can’t accept the fact that you’re gone. 

“Because if you really are anything that I thought you were, you are well and alive and you’re running off in that tiny box of yours, helping out, trying your best, showing another unlikely group of people the wonders of the stars and the universe. Maybe you think about us, maybe you don’t. I’d like to think that you do. I’d like to think that you remember us from time to time, that you look down at our little planet and our city, I’d like to think that you smile down at us and then move onto the next adventure. 

“I’m sorry, I just… I know how much you liked… like... voice messages and I really need to talk to you right now and I know that you won’t ever listen to this, but I really miss you, Doctor. So, if there is even the tiniest chance that this will get to you, please, please come back, even if to just let us know that you’re safe. Please… I…” 

I love you. But how could she when she had no idea who the woman even was. How could she love someone who she did not even know? And yet she did. Maybe it was just the Doctor’s alien charm, pulling Yaz closer like gravity. Maybe it was just her being a foolish human yearning for someone who she could never have. 

Yearning for her, yearning for answers. And with each day she was getting more desperate. She had to know, if not for the Doctor, then for herself. She slowly exited the app and opened a search engine. She nearly forgot to breathe as she typed in the words, sure she would find nothing, but it was worth a try. 

She held her breath as the page loaded, quietly cursing her slow data and when it finally stopped loading, she felt her heart drop. 

Yasmin Khan had so many questions and now? Now she was about to get some answers.

**Author's Note:**

> well hello there, it is I.  
> don't expect a lot from this, we all know that I suck at writing and I just suck in general. anyways, I hope y'all are doing well, see you in a few months with a new chapter... I'm joking! not really though, but let's hope I'll be better this time around. also don't expect this to be a LONG story and don't expect this to be good, we all know how my writing is at this point, 'kay?♥♥


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